Archiwum
- Index
- Giovanni Guareschi [Don Camillo 01] The Little World of Don Camillo (pdf)
- Christine Young [Highland 01] Highland Honor (pdf)
- Angela Verdenius [Heart & Soul 16] Soul of a Guardian (pdf)
- Chalker Jack L W Świecie Studni 5 Zmierzch przy Studni Dusz (pdf)
- Dahlia Rose, Brenda Steele, Regina Paul, Dorian Wallace Mating Season (anth.) (pdf)
- Cooper McKenzie [Menage Amour 161 Club Esotera 03] Minding Mistress (pdf)
- Dena Garson [Emerald Isle Fantasies 03] Ghostly Persuasion [EC Twilight] (pdf)
- 33 1 3 087 Serge Gainsbourg's Histoire de Melody Nelson Darran Anderson (pdf)
- Alan Burt Akers [Dray Prescot 07] Arena of Antares (pdf)
- Jan Such Rozwój WszechÂświata w ujęciu kosmologicznym i filozoficznym
- zanotowane.pl
- doc.pisz.pl
- pdf.pisz.pl
- gim12gda.pev.pl
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levels above their competency because the organization is
so big that the right hand doesn t know what the left hand
is doing. Though I was in the army, I set the routine in the
navy. Somehow, a submarine commander was funnier
than a platoon leader.
After a two-year journey, the U.S.S. Codfish submarine
is about to surface, and the submarine commander ad-
dresses his men:
I know you are all anxious to be reunited with your loved
ones in some cases your wives but we have a few mo-
ments before we surface and I ve just jotted down some
things I think are important. I wouldn t take the time if I
didn t think so. First of all, I think we ought to give the cooks
a standing ovation for the wonderful jobs they ve done. So if
you men want to stand right now. . . . Let s really hear it for
the cooks. I don t think you men realize what a difficult
problem it is. . . . Come on, let s let bygones be bygones and
hear it for the cooks. . . . Men, I m not going to surface until
we hear it for the cooks. . . . All right, that s better.
Today, as we add another glorious page to the story of the
I Shouldn t Even Be Doing This! 39
*
U.S.S. Codfish, I think it s important that we reflect on some
of the past glories of the U.S.S. Codfish. I don t know if you
men know this, but the Codfish holds the record for the most
Japanese tonnage sunk, being comprised of five freighters
and fifteen aircraft carriers a truly enviable record. Un-
fortunately, they were sunk in 1954. However, it stands as
the largest peacetime tonnage ever sunk.
Our voyage has received a lot of coverage in the newspa-
pers, and I would like to present our side of it. . . . I think our
firing on Miami Beach can best be termed ill-timed. It
happened on what they call in the newspaper business a
slow news day, and as a result, received a lot more space
than I think it deserved, especially since it was the off-season
down there.
Men, I think you ll agree I ve been pretty lax as far as
discipline is concerned, and, golly, nobody enjoys a joke
more than me, but I d like the executive officer returned. . . .
Now, we ve looked in the torpedo tubes, we ve looked in your
bags. . . . It s been more than two weeks, men. We re just
damn lucky it wasn t the navigational officer or someone
real important like that. . . .
Looking back on the mutiny, I think a lot of the trouble
stemmed from the fact that you men weren t coming to me
with your problems. As I told you, the door to my office is al-
ways open. . . . I think you know why it s always open. It was
stolen. I d like that returned. It looks like the work of the
same man.
Since we started the cruise on such a low note, I think it s
important that we end it on a high note. To me, there is noth-
ing more impressive in the navy than when a submarine
breaks water to see a bunch of sailors in their dress blues as
40 Bob Newhart
*
they come rushing up out of the, the, the. . . that hole there. . .
and come to parade rest. . . . Oh, all right. I ve just been noti-
fied that we will be surfacing in a moment, and you ll be
happy to know that you will be gazing on the familiar sky-
line of either New York City or Buenos Aires. Dismissed,
men. That s all.
"
My first real jobs in the workforce were back in Chicago
in accounting. From 1956 to 1957, I worked as an ac-
countant in the engineering department at U.S. Gypsum,
a company that manufactured wallboard and drywall.
They offered me a full-time position and asked me to re-
locate to Poland Spring, Maine. Had I moved there and
lost my job at U.S. Gypsum, who knows, I might have
ended up getting in on the ground floor of the bottled wa-
ter business. But I couldn t see myself living in Maine, at
least not in Poland Spring.
After refusing the transfer, and leaving U.S. Gypsum, I
accepted a job in the accounting department for the Glid-
den Company in downtown Chicago. As your basic nine-to-
five bookkeeper, I had several responsibilities, including
reconciling the records between the company s different
divisions.
Another of my daily tasks was monitoring petty cash. It
was in this area that I developed and implemented my odd
theory of accounting: If you got within a couple of bucks,
it was okay. Although my theory never caught on, it really
does work.
Each time a salesman would come in off the road and
I Shouldn t Even Be Doing This! 41
*
turn in a receipt for ten dollars for gas, I would give him
the cash and put the receipt in the petty-cash drawer. An-
other guy might come in with a credit card receipt for
thirty bucks for a hotel room and a meal, and I d count out
three ten-dollar bills and file the credit card receipt.
At the end of each day, I had to reconcile what was in
the cash drawer with the receipts. It was always close, but
it never balanced. At five o clock sharp, everybody in the
accounting department would leave the office. I would be
the only one left, tearing my hair out over why petty cash
was short by $1.48. Usually around eight o clock, I d find
the discrepancy.
I followed this routine for a couple of weeks until I grew
completely frustrated. Finally one day, as everybody was
leaving at five and I was facing a couple more hours of
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